The Truth Is
by Chirinah
Summary: I'll always love you.
1. Chapter 1

The Truth Is…

I'll always love you, Arata.

When Arata lost to Harada-Sensei during the Master Qualifier Match three years ago, I told him that I'm willing to let go of that special card with the purpose of retaking it at all cost. That was true. Letting go of a card was easy, if things go well, you can retake it within an hour at most. There are plenty of chances to take it back and claim it, but why did I think that applies to other things as well?

Arata loved me. Arata was in love with me.

When he said that, he was calm and matter-of-factly, like it was it was the most common thing in the world. His eyes were sincere and honest and he didn't stutter at all. He just dropped the word out there with a cool smile. My heart skipped and I couldn't say anything back. Everyone else vanished from my sight and ears, I forgot about Kana-chan and Hanano-san, everyone around me disappeared from my word. There was only Arata. Arata, my dearest childhood friend, the boy who let me know what real passion is. Arata, the guy in glasses whose smile is always calm and kind. Arata, my karuta god. Arata. Arata. Arata.

He was going to college in Tokyo, he said. In a year, we'd be able to be in the same city, just like before. He said, let's play karuta together. Let's spend the rest of our lives together.

He then blushed furiously and exited, leaving me with my heart pounding restlessly and face beet-red.

What did he say, again?

"I'm in love with you, Chihaya."

"I'm in love with you, Chihaya."

"I'm in love with you, Chihaya."

"I'm in love with you, Chihaya."

Arata was in love with me.

How was I supposed to feel?

From then, every mention of Arata made my heart race. I was nervous beyond belief. More than my first official tournament. More than the time I spoke in front of other students in hakama to promote our club. More than the time Taichi and I came to Fukui to see him for the first time in years. More than the time I run after Arata in a bicycle and rolled down the slope and declared how much I missed him. Every moment he comes to my mind, more than before. I dream of him. His calm smile, his relaxed stance and swift crosses. I dream of his words, his voice, his declaration.

I couldn't get him out of my system.

Even when Taichi said the same thing.

"I'm in love with you, Chihaya."

Arata was in my mind.

Arata is always in my mind.

Arata will always be in my mind.

The boy in muddy rain coat, delivering newspapers to our doorstep. The boy in tattered clothes, quietly eating away from everyone else in class. The boy who memorized the Hundred Poems in his first try. The boy who concentrated on karuta like it was the most important thing in the world. His intense eyes and bended figure. His fast hand, his strong sweeps. His arrogant but gentle leadership during that team competition. The boy in blue jacket, running past me like the wind. The tortured Arata, kicking away karuta cards. The desperate Arata, calling out our names on a bicycle. The Arata in a hakama.

Arata is always in my mind.

So much I couldn't even see the boy in front of me, desperately working hard to gain my attention. The boy who gave his all in a sport he obviously didn't care for, just so I'll look his way. I always see Arata. Why did I never see Taichi?

I knew the answer. I knew it when I was twelve years old, learning how to play karuta for the first time. I knew it when he told me what dreams are. I knew it when he gave me that special card. I knew it when we played together. I knew it when we promised to always play karuta. I knew it when I desperately tried to get stronger. I knew it on my first year of high school, forming the Karuta Club. I knew it when I made Class A. I knew it when I was playing against Shinobu-chan. I knew it when I was watching him play. I knew it. I knew it.

I always knew it.

Why didn't I say it?

Why did I let you go?

Why am I so far from you?

Why, Arata?


	2. Chapter 2

It's been three years since that fateful day. Three years since Arata confessed to me. Three years since Taichi stopped being my friend and stopped playing karuta.

Three years, and I haven't answered either of their confessions yet.

It's not that I didn't have a chance. I had a lot of opportunities to decline or accept, but if I learned anything in the past three years, it's that I'm the biggest coward I've ever known.

I didn't want anything to change. And yet, change just seemed to follow me wherever I go.

Taichi never came back to the club. We won consecutive championships without him, all thanks to our kouhais, but it never felt right. It didn't feel as good as the first time. Even with Arata there.

Arata. He had started his own club, too. Made a few more friends for himself. Whenever I looked at him, he seemed happy. So unlike the gloom-filled boy we saw the first time we came to Fukui. His happiness rubbed off of me and I could only feel my heart thumping louder each time he smiled.

He won the individual competition for Class A. I didn't get to fight him. His team reached the finals too, a surprising feat given that most of them were beginners who seemed to me were struggling to catch wind of each word read. Still, they did good. Arata was great.

Our team matched up for the finals. We won against everyone but Arata.

The next year was the same. We improved, they improved but we still lost to Arata. We won the team competition by the number of wins, but we couldn't win against Arata.

I was in awe of him, as I've always been.

True to his word, he came to Tokyo for college. Unfortunately, we didn't go to the same school. I couldn't get in Tokyo University. He and Taichi reunited there, and they seemed to be good friends still.

Taichi ignored me religiously.

I couldn't understand why it didn't hurt as much as Arata leaving all those years ago.

I didn't want to think about it.

I felt bad, but I kept it off my mind.

Arata kept trying for Meijin, and once he actually faced against Suo-san. He lost, and he made sure Suo-san wouldn't retire just yet. Suo-san seemed amused with him, so he kept on waiting for him, year after year.

This time, he won.

I really admired him. And I thought he deserved it for all his hard work. The image of his play did things to my heart I couldn't explain. But looking at him, in all his glory, being hailed as the new Meijin, the youngest yet…

I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy.

And then Taichi talked to me for the first time in years.

And I understood.

For the first time, I had words for the emotions I've been feeling for years.

I could finally say it.

But instead of words, only tears came out from me.

Taichi's eyes told me he understood. He knew, and he accepted it. His hand held mine and squeezed, all the while knowing deep inside I'd be wishing he was someone else.

 **I wrote a long time ago. Around last year, I think? That was the time I was so into Chihayafuru my** ** _feels_** **just couldn't keep up. It had to be written down. It was just the one chapter though, and I never thought to write some more. But when I read the reviews (it shocked me that someone else read, and actually thought to say something about it, but thank you) I started to consider making a few more chapters. I've forgotten about it, really, so I re-read, and I nearly cried because damn, Arata is just… Ok. Anyway, this just came out.**

 **I hope you like it, and please let me know if you do.**

 **Much appreciated, Chirinah.**

 **P.S. Of course Chihayafuru and none of the characters are mine, if they were, Arata and Chihaya would already be married with two kids (twins) and Taichi would be head over heels in love with Hanano. (Okay, was it Hanano? I can't remember most of them anymore XD)**


End file.
